I started my exploration in BDSM as a virgin to the rituals. I was excited and interested in finding out more about it. I found a Master who could teach me and satisfy this in me – infrequent, one-off meetings. When I was in the presence of my Master it was all-consuming. Being near to him put me into a euphoric, trancelike state without the need for amyl or recreational drugs.

I enjoyed relinquishing total control to him. I felt safe and knew he had my well-being in mind. At any rate, I knew I was ultimately in control and decided how far I was willing to go.

Over time, our sessions became more frequent and more extreme. They became more euphoric. But was it the euphoria that I was enjoying, or was it something else? Coming down from that state, I began to question whether my predetermined limits were evolving. I had a sense of emptiness, unfulfillment and uneasiness about those boundaries.

I had a new desire to push my emotional limits and a desire to grow within the realms of a real relationship, something that was not offered within the boundaries of a Master/slave relationship.

How does a slave break with his master and become his equal?

Being a slave means being subservient. Your pleasure comes from pleasing others – you become an object in the act of sex. But what happens when that no longer has the same thrill or excitement? What happens when the object (the slave) wants to be more than that? How does a slave confront his master and ask for an equal relationship? My idea of the relationship with this man was evolving, but was he moving with my expectations?

I suppose that my predicament is not that different to anyone else who is in a relationship where there is disparity and unstated expectations. These feelings start to prey on your mind and eventually cause you to question the relationship. The added challenge in BDSM is that the Master is not expecting you to speak at all!

To address my dilemma, I first had to revisit the beginning of the relationship and identify what both my Master and I had initially hoped to obtain from the interaction – his need to dominate and mine to be dominated. I wanted to be pushed to my limits. He was happy to push. I had found someone that made me feel euphoric in that journey.

Looking back over the progression of our relationship, I can see that even though we’ve grown closer in the BDSM sense, our evolving needs within the relationship have diverged noticeably. My Master was still wanting to explore more aspects BDSM, whereas I realized I was in search of more – more intimacy, more equality.

I have impetuously gone beyond the conditions of the BDSM relationship and my comfort zone. I want to please my Master and be duly subservient, but also to obtain an emotional attachment.

The dilemma I face now is whether or not to be content with what is on offer within the relationship, which fulfills some of my needs; or to move on from the relationship. The re-evaluation of any relationship most often tends to be emotionally draining and fraught with apprehension, weighing up the ‘pros and cons’ of whether to continue with it or dissolve it.

By Da Boi

If you have similar experiences as either a Master or Slave, or have questions around BDSM relationships, please feel free to write to the Project X Team and share your story or thoughts. Please note all contributions will be published on the website, so do provide a pseudonym if you wish to remain anonymous.