When push comes to shove – when desires make risky behaviour

Married men who have a same-sex attraction have fleeting opportunities to express this attraction. Many men suppress these feelings until they become overwhelmed by their desire for male contact forcing them into circumstances that are impetuous, not allowing them time for well-considered planning. This risky behaviour brings dangers to the privacy and secrecy that married men value, as well as dangers to the health and safety of themselves, their wives and their families.

This is very true of online hook-ups. Chat rooms are easy places to access contacts and the dangers associated are compounded by the fact that the original contact is not face to face. Out of a typical daytime number of 175 profiles on Gaydar alone, anywhere between 8% and 10% advertise as “bisexual/married”. It is purely a leap of faith to expect that all of these guys are who they say they are.

Profiles and masks

Online profiles are well-crafted masks for the guys wanting to interact in the virtual world. There is no real way of being positive that what you see is what you get. Many married guys are drawn to others that advertise as married or bi-sexual, finding solace in the fact that “he is in the same position as I am, and will be as respectful of anonymity as me”. People do not always tell the truth online for whatever reason.

As an example, a gay man in a monogamous relationship wanting to play outside of the relationship may advertise that he is married or bi-sexual as a way attracting non-scene guys. He may feel that married guys are not on “the scene” and are therefore not moving in the similar circles as he and his partner. Hence, he will not be found out and his deception will remain undiscovered.

The unsuspecting married man is lured into a ruse that has the potential to become quite messy if the two worlds should, by some coincidence, coincide.

The private and the public intersect

There has been a recent case discussed in our ‘Ask Alex’ column of a married man who has invited an online hook up back to his home for some fun. He believed his hook up was also a married man because of his profile details and the short conversation that he had with him in the chat room. Unfortunately, this was not the case and the scene turned sour quite quickly.

Once at the married man’s home, the hook up realise that his ex-boyfriend knew the married man’s wife from pictures around the house. The hook up became infuriated that there had been a possibility of an indiscretion and he left in a rage. The married man also became quite concerned that his secrecy may have been compromised. The hook up then began texting the married man insisting that he was going to get his ex-boyfriend to out the married man to his wife.

The gay man acted pre-emptively out of fear that his secret indiscretion would be discovered, or worse, to use the opportunity to his gain. He threatened the married man with blackmail. Obviously, this caused a great deal of angst and anxiety for the married man, who still loved his wife and did not want to hurt her or risk losing his family, leaving him feeling exposed, vulnerable and completely disempowered.

This is just one example of how the private and the public can collide spectacularly. People move in more than one circle and in more than one dimension. The interconnectedness of this contemporary life is quite intricate. Most people would be aware of the notion of six degrees of separation. That measure is considerably smaller in a city as isolated as Perth – dwindling down to two degrees of separation at times, especially in this high-tech world of blogs, live journals and Facebook pages.

Neutral ground

The biggest issue with the above example is not only that a secret could be found out, but also that the antagonist now knows where the married man lives.

The rule of thumb in any or all cases of online hook-ups is to agree on a neutral and discreet place to meet – a café or bar to start with, for instance. This applies whether you are a married man wanting to protect your domestic life, a partnered gay man wanting to protect the status quo of your relationship or a single gay/bisexual/same-sex-attracted man wary of first meetings.

If you have ties and are concerned about secrecy, state this clearly in your profile – the golden rule is NEVER bring guys to your home. The safer options for sexual meets are a hotel/motel rooms or the less expensive option is to meet at one of the sex-on-premises venues around Perth. The choice is dependent on your level of comfort between the two options.

Other options bring their own degree of danger with them. Some guys will agree to go to beats to meet others. Although this is a discreet location, there are legal issues attached to engaging in sex in public places. This can lead to police involvement, court battles and convictions – very expedient ways of compromising a married man’s secret activities to family and friends. Beats can also be a danger to person and property. For more information about this please check out the “Beats” and “cruising safely” sections on this website.

Personal safety

To protect your personal emotional, physical and psychological safety when hooking up with someone online, there are few things to remember:

• Never believe what you read on someone’s profile. Online contacts are the perfect environment to mislead for hidden agendas
• Be upfront about ties
• Never give out contact details online
• Be cautious not to have identifying information for easy access
• Meet in a discreet location first and size up your quarry
• Meet for sex in a neutral location that doesn’t connect you with your personal home life
• Don’t bring guys into your home at any point

They seem straightforward, but if you consider the opening of this article, in the short time to organise and meet someone, some of these things are lost in the haste.

At the end of the day, how married guys manage opportunistic liaisons is entirely their decision. The choice is theirs to act on these impulses or not. The idea is to minimise the risk and harm by being savvy.